September Soul Note - No Stone Left Unturned
Hello my friends. Patti here, your Spiritual Guide and Soul Space Facilitator with your Soul Note for the month of September.
“Turning over every stone, you will find the divine.”
I was flying 35,000 ft. above sea level and yearning to put the past few days behind me as I headed home, but my soul had other plans. A voice deep within asked me to read the words over one more time.
I had enough experience with this familiar gut feeling to know that my soul was asking for my undivided attention. I sensed this quote held significance and was a direct message, so I took it as an invitation to open up the last few days and look at the disaster that had fallen upon me. With a great deal of cynicism and anger I asked myself, “Where was the divine in these last few days?”
I had been attending a gathering of like-minded individuals at a 3-day retreat for the Soul. I was with my favorite teacher, so I was on a natural high. Typically your take-home from these gatherings is an indescribable feeling of love and peace - yet I was feeling the polar opposite. I felt resentment and anger, and I felt my mood as dark and gloomy. My mind drifted back to Day 2, where it all began to spiral out of control. Jealousy, fear, and anxiety took on a death grip and began to slowly replace any positive feelings that I had brought along with me.
Having just been through a similar cycle of unsettling emotions, I was pissed off, and annoyed with myself. I convinced myself I was a fraud. I was creating a damaging story based on assumption and my emotions were running amok.
I was being held hostage by my ego, the personality that thrives on lack and limitation. What little awareness I could offer the present moment was being seduced by my ego, and I was participating in blowing out my own light. I was at war with myself.
Feelings of worthlessness began to fuel my self-deprecating thoughts and this dark energy was contributing to an escalating anxiety which left me damaged and unable to discern my next moves. I couldn’t get out of the story in my head. I was losing grip on reality and felt weak. As if watching a movie from a seat in a darkened theatre, I watched myself shrink.
I yearned to flee the ballroom where all these happy people were dancing around like baboons in a jungle. I was unconsciously creating a false self, based on limiting perceptions and core beliefs that could take out even the healthiest esteemed person. I was in a downward spiral, helplessly falling out of control.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, WHERE IS THE DIVINE IN THIS SITUATION?
I screamed the words so loud inside; I swear the gentleman sitting next to me in 18B could hear them.
I began to breathe with awareness, with deep, deliberate, slow breaths in an attempt to get myself present. Within a few moments, a logical voice reminded me to surrender and ask for the answers to be revealed. Immediately, I began to track the moment it all happened, the scene of the crime.
I had HUGE expectations of how the retreat was to unfold. Based on past experiences, I was expecting all things wonderful. I had become attached to how things should be, how I wanted the retreat to play out, and I was experiencing the opposite. I wasn’t being given the typical warm welcome that I received in the past, the special attention needed for my own validation.
I wanted to feel special, and I was being treated quite differently. The story began here. I pulled back and looked at the narrative that was now playing out in my mind: a story of worthlessness, a woman who lacked confidence and needed acceptance.
My confidence was wavering and the part of me that would typically provide insight had become non-existent; her fear and lack of self-worth was all that remained. I longed to flee, my go-to response when I am in fear. We either fight, flee, or freeze, and I was caught up in my escape plan.
But where was I fleeing? Who was I running from? Slowly, albeit consciously, I was beginning to see that a damaging pattern had been playing out in my life for far too long, and it was now surfacing to my awareness for consideration.
With the perception of an enlightened master, I could see my insecurities around acceptance playing out in this retreat. I realized I had wanted to run away from an authentic version of myself that wanted to be an active participant;
a woman who longed to step out from the self-imposed imprisonment of trying to fit in, a woman who just wanted to be who she truly was.
When we are living an authentic life, we are aligned with our soul. There is an ease and flow of life. My limited self, or ego, was calling on my true self to show up, to make an appearance. An ego that had fought way too long and hard against her limitations was being asked to step aside so the real Patti could show up.
What an invitation.
Who was I really looking for acceptance from anyways?
Why not accept ALL of me, my limits, my insecurities, my thoughts, all of ME?
Here was the stone. When I was ready to turn it over and look with clarity, I was able to see how my EGO was seeing life through the eyes of limitation, which birthed feelings of unworthiness with fear trailing closely behind. I was looking for love and approval in all the wrong places.
When I finally lifted the stone, I discovered an authentic self who wasn’t seeking the approval of others, who wasn’t restricted by limitation crippling her with fear. This person was more invested in self-love, self-acceptance, and the ability to look at each and every experience as an opportunity for growth, expansion, and self-realization. She understood that people were showing up just the way she needed them to, all playing the part they needed to play.
A slow smile spread across the landscape of my tender heart, releasing the tension I had wrestled with the last few days of the retreat.
I had a new declaration to the unfolding of my authentic self:
I will leave no stone unturned.
Related Article: August Soul Note - Our Words are Our Wands